The last six months have been a mindless, depressive, waking nightmare… I have to be blunt, for months I haven’t been o.k. I keep pushing through the same day, every single day. I’m not asking for sympathy, I just need to get this all out of my head.
When March arrived the panic attacks followed. Just hours before the schools were closed until further notice, I had one of the worst panic attacks that I had ever had. I was shaking, nauseated, heart absolutely pounding, I couldn’t stand… After that, the sleeplessness started. At first it was just my mind racing, and trying to adapt to everything changing. The kids were thrilled with the everlasting Spring Break, but I couldn’t handle the constant sound. The panic attacks in my sleep started again, and I was sleeping about three hours a night. I fought this for two full months…
In May, despite the virus, I went to my Doctor. She listened, sympathized, and helped. We decided on adding a second anti-depressant, and I felt hopeful that I would sleep. It took another two weeks before I finally slept for six hours straight. I’m thankful for my Doctors help, and patience.
The rest of May pressed on, the kids were up at all hours, and finally falling asleep after 2:00 a.m. They were already bored, and I was burning out from two months of Summer.
June brought along actual Summer break. I was hoping that my mind would switch over to accepting that it was now only Summer. We set up the pool, and set up the backyard for Summer at home. I planted a small garden, and cleaned off the side porch. Days grew longer, and my seasonal affective disorder arrived in July.
We wanted to celebrate with family over the Fourth of July, but we canceled, it still wasn’t safe. We celebrated at home, lit fireworks, and even had a bbq. It wasn’t the same, but it did feel just a bit normal for a moment. The kids shifted to staying up even later, and sleeping in till noon.
To the store, and back home became my only activity… Living in the kitchen, and cooking around the clock became my only hobby. I tried to read, knit, crochet, but nothing held my interest. I started sewing masks, but any creativity was gone.
July moved on slowly, and every day felt like three. The school started plans for reopening, and I started to hope that normal life was just around the corner. I registered the kids, and made the decision to opt in for in person learning.
In August the school announced that September 9th would be the first day of school, pending closure from the health department. My mind started easing up a bit, as we finally had an end date to the six months of Summer.
I’ve started the back to school shopping, but I don’t have everything together. There are haircuts to schedule, shoes and clothes that need purchased. With everything I cross of the list, school closure sneaks into my mind. I still don’t know if I made the right decision to send the kids back full time…
