Two weeks ago my kids came down with a forty-eight hour cold/flu bug. A week later I came down with it. Luckily it wasn’t anything too serious. Last Saturday we had family in town for my nieces soccer game. I decided it was best to stay home since I had been running a fever the two days before the game. I really didn’t want to give them my cold.

This Saturday they had another game in town and I was finally feeling better. I decided to tag along with the rest of the family, and get back to social outings. This was the first time I’ve been out of the house, and with a crowd for around six months. I was already feeling anxious on the drive to the soccer field. Family get togethers will peak my anxiety, and then drain me.

This time an old nemesis followed along. My agoraphobia has returned… It has been creeping up a little here and there, A trip to the store can bring on a panic attack, too much noise in the school pickup line will bring on the nausea… Outside, surrounded by a cacophony of human voices, screams, and cheers, too many people, too close by. It broke me…

I’ve struggled with agoraphobia before, and have been treated to ease it’s grip on me. Ten years of doing better has been obliterated by this pandemic.

I threw my hood over my head, and tried to shut out the sound. The colors were too bright, and the people beside me were unbelievably loud. My usual tricks to get my mind in order weren’t cutting it. I just had to wait this out, and get to the car as soon as I could.

I was shaking and completely worn out an hour later. Lucky the kids were playing Fortnite, so I could catch some rest. I made dinner, but the house was still so loud. I went upstairs to fold some laundry, and find some quiet, but my neighbors broke out a game of cornhole and they were screaming and hollering. My stomach is acid.

Noise has become a major factor with my anxiety. I used to be able to tune things out, or distract myself to where I was mostly unaffected. Six months home, and nearly eighteen hours a day of sounds on top of sounds has completely broken that part of my brain.

Today wasn’t easy… I’ll try again next week. I don’t want to go back to the way I was a decade ago, but I just don’t feel good right now.