Category Archives: Mental Health

May 30

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness month, and yesterday I had a bad mental health day… I woke up dreading the morning, another day of simply existing to clean, cook, and repeat. I haven’t been sleeping again, and I haven’t been eating well either. I just take care of everyone and everything for eighteen hours a day, and I’m not doing well with any of it.

Days like this suck, and they are truly frustrating, but they do exist. I gave in to my bad day, and allowed myself to have it, but I didn’t feel bad for myself. Most days like this I grow angry with myself for not pulling it together, and I’m frustrated that I can’t fake it for twenty-four hours. Instead I miserably existed, and I woke up on Sunday.

I am sharing this because even if you are in treatment you are going to have those bad days. Hell, I’ve been seeking treatment for the last sixteen years, and I still have bad days. It is important to show up even on the bad ones, and get through it. Healing from multiple mental health diagnoses isn’t always pretty, but I keep pushing.

Apr 17

NicoStuff Update

I started this blog/website/online journal a little over sixteen plus years ago. At that time I was a brand new mom, only married a handful of years, and living in a small town in rural southeast Kansas. I was selling handmade jewelry online, and hoping to make any money I could off ads to help pay for diapers… Sixteen plus years brings me to here.

I’m now a seasoned mom of a tweenage daughter and two teenage sons, married twenty years this year, and I have two cats and a cute pup. We are currently living in a house built in 1905, in a different small town in middle southeast Kansas, and I am bored out of my mind.

Sixteen years can do a lot to a person.

Sixteen years has done a lot to this person.

I used to post creative crafts, meals, and projects that I was working on. Now I feel as if every single ounce of creativity has been sucked out of my body, and I live in a stagnant puddle of repetitive tasks. I constantly crave sleep to get away from the kitchen and cleaning up one more thing, that someone else could actually help with. I am completely burnt out on existence.

So I’m going to share the crap, the bad days, and the disappointments. I will post the frustration, the boredom, and the tedium of my life. It won’t be pretty, but it is who I am sixteen plus years later.

Mar 31

Wrapping Up March

It’s the last day of the month, and to be honest, I’m feeling gross today. I barely slept last night, and I’ve had severe nausea all day. I went back to sleep as soon as I dropped off the kids, got up at 10:00 a.m. to let out the pup, and water the plants, and then I just went back to sleep…

Flu, sleep deprivation, depression, seasonal affective disorder, completely burnt out, could be any one of them.

I’m up now, and trying to rally to go pick up the kids from school. I am really hoping my stomach cooperates.

Dec 28

Must Do Better

If 2020 has taught me anything, it is that I must do better. I must do better at being prepared for the next calamity. I must do better at keeping my kitchen stocked. I must do better at spending my time efficiently. I must do better at being organized. I simply must do better…

Then it hit me on the way to the store. I must do better at taking care of myself. Somewhere in 2020 I got lost. I was taking care of everything, and everyone, cooking the meals, hand washing dishes four times a day, sewing the masks, prepping the backpacks with necessary p.p.e., even cleaning the damn litter box before I had a cup of coffee. I was nowhere in my to do list.

I push myself lower and lower and my depression grows, my self esteem plummets, and I am tired of feeling like a human garbage dump,

So I started small… I was at the store and I purchased a three pack of my favorite lip balm, and bought some decent face cream to ease my eczema ridden cheeks. I even stopped off and bought myself a new top. It was a small step, but it was something.

I took my time and wandered through the store, everyone was still asleep at home, so there was no need to rush. I picked up fresh fruits, and enjoyed just being out of the house, by myself, for just a moment.

I drove back home with my head a little clearer. I fed the cats, let the pup out. Actually ate breakfast before tending to litter box duties. I put away the groceries, threw a second load of laundry in, hand washed all of the dishes in the kitchen, but I didn’t feel overwhelmed by any of it.

I have to do better at taking care of myself. I’ve got to get a life back.

Oct 4

Agoraphobia, my old friend

Two weeks ago my kids came down with a forty-eight hour cold/flu bug. A week later I came down with it. Luckily it wasn’t anything too serious. Last Saturday we had family in town for my nieces soccer game. I decided it was best to stay home since I had been running a fever the two days before the game. I really didn’t want to give them my cold.

This Saturday they had another game in town and I was finally feeling better. I decided to tag along with the rest of the family, and get back to social outings. This was the first time I’ve been out of the house, and with a crowd for around six months. I was already feeling anxious on the drive to the soccer field. Family get togethers will peak my anxiety, and then drain me.

This time an old nemesis followed along. My agoraphobia has returned… It has been creeping up a little here and there, A trip to the store can bring on a panic attack, too much noise in the school pickup line will bring on the nausea… Outside, surrounded by a cacophony of human voices, screams, and cheers, too many people, too close by. It broke me…

I’ve struggled with agoraphobia before, and have been treated to ease it’s grip on me. Ten years of doing better has been obliterated by this pandemic.

I threw my hood over my head, and tried to shut out the sound. The colors were too bright, and the people beside me were unbelievably loud. My usual tricks to get my mind in order weren’t cutting it. I just had to wait this out, and get to the car as soon as I could.

I was shaking and completely worn out an hour later. Lucky the kids were playing Fortnite, so I could catch some rest. I made dinner, but the house was still so loud. I went upstairs to fold some laundry, and find some quiet, but my neighbors broke out a game of cornhole and they were screaming and hollering. My stomach is acid.

Noise has become a major factor with my anxiety. I used to be able to tune things out, or distract myself to where I was mostly unaffected. Six months home, and nearly eighteen hours a day of sounds on top of sounds has completely broken that part of my brain.

Today wasn’t easy… I’ll try again next week. I don’t want to go back to the way I was a decade ago, but I just don’t feel good right now.