I truly envision having my life together, house cleaned, and mental health beautifully pleasant… I just turned 41, and nope, still don’t have any of these things done.

But I’m working on it, and I will keep working on it.

Way back when 2021 began in a very chilly January, I purchased a new day planner. I make notes on my phone, but there is something about writing it down physically that makes me want to do the task. I decided to take it month by month, and work on my messy-mentally exhausted-clutter-bored life.

January was mostly organizing my days. I listed off every room in the house, along with little tasks that needed accomplished. I set aside a shopping day, a cleaning day, a putting away laundry day, and about two weeks in I started failing, and went back to old ways.

February arrived and I decided to shift my attention back to my family and meal preparation. I was back to menu planning, and spent more time in the kitchen than I had ever before. I was going to make breakfast, homemade snacks, bake more bread, take a break from takeout, and make the weekend all about good meals.

I shopped locally, washed so many dishes my fingers cracked and bled, I made snacks from scratch, and homemade pizzas. I made Roasts, Fried Chicken, and so many sides. You know what happened? My family still complained, and I ended up hand washing dishes for at least three hours a day…

Also in February if it could go wrong it did. The pipes froze, and we are still getting damage repaired, depression arrived, and smacked me upside the head. School was closed, and I had a crappy birthday. My car needed repairs, we all needed glasses, seriously it was one thing that costs way too much after another…

Which brings me to March. I know that May is regarded as Mental Health Awareness month, but I needed the help in March, I couldn’t wait until May. I had decided to take the month of March and refocus some of that energy to my mental fitness.

I’m late posting this challenge, because Spring Break happened, and my kids only had like fourteen days of school for the month of March. They are finally back, and I have a moment to sit down and write.

I started off by looking at my weekly schedule. Again I wanted to cut back on take-out, and spend less time and money at the grocery store. I shifted weekends to focusing on making vegan meals for the fridge, and trying out new vegan dishes and baked goods. I still feed everyone else, I just don’t treat every meal as if it was a holiday, and the boys are eating a lot of frozen pizzas, which they seem to enjoy more.

I started focusing on R-E-L-A-X-ing, and actually striving for more than four hours of sleep a night, I really have a nightmare of a sleep schedule. I stopped drinking soda, I started drinking at least 80 oz of water a day, and stopped to rest when I really needed to.

Spending more time cooking ready made vegan meals has really helped. I’m always the last one to eat, and it is nice not having to make something from scratch every day. I didn’t cut back on the take-out as much as I wanted to, seriously these teenagers of mine never stop eating…

The month is almost over, and I have done a little better. I have spent more time outdoors working on the garden, and I’ve gotten back into reading, and crafts. I take breaks, and don’t kick myself for actually resting.

I’m still tired, and my body aches a lot, but it is better.

Now if we can just get the house sorted out, and repairs done quickly… That just might be on my goal list for April.

The last six months have been a mindless, depressive, waking nightmare… I have to be blunt, for months I haven’t been o.k. I keep pushing through the same day, every single day. I’m not asking for sympathy, I just need to get this all out of my head.

When March arrived the panic attacks followed. Just hours before the schools were closed until further notice, I had one of the worst panic attacks that I had ever had. I was shaking, nauseated, heart absolutely pounding, I couldn’t stand… After that, the sleeplessness started. At first it was just my mind racing, and trying to adapt to everything changing. The kids were thrilled with the everlasting Spring Break, but I couldn’t handle the constant sound. The panic attacks in my sleep started again, and I was sleeping about three hours a night. I fought this for two full months…

In May, despite the virus, I went to my Doctor. She listened, sympathized, and helped. We decided on adding a second anti-depressant, and I felt hopeful that I would sleep. It took another two weeks before I finally slept for six hours straight. I’m thankful for my Doctors help, and patience.

The rest of May pressed on, the kids were up at all hours, and finally falling asleep after 2:00 a.m. They were already bored, and I was burning out from two months of Summer.

June brought along actual Summer break. I was hoping that my mind would switch over to accepting that it was now only Summer. We set up the pool, and set up the backyard for Summer at home. I planted a small garden, and cleaned off the side porch. Days grew longer, and my seasonal affective disorder arrived in July.

We wanted to celebrate with family over the Fourth of July, but we canceled, it still wasn’t safe. We celebrated at home, lit fireworks, and even had a bbq. It wasn’t the same, but it did feel just a bit normal for a moment. The kids shifted to staying up even later, and sleeping in till noon.

To the store, and back home became my only activity… Living in the kitchen, and cooking around the clock became my only hobby. I tried to read, knit, crochet, but nothing held my interest. I started sewing masks, but any creativity was gone.

July moved on slowly, and every day felt like three. The school started plans for reopening, and I started to hope that normal life was just around the corner. I registered the kids, and made the decision to opt in for in person learning.

In August the school announced that September 9th would be the first day of school, pending closure from the health department. My mind started easing up a bit, as we finally had an end date to the six months of Summer.

I’ve started the back to school shopping, but I don’t have everything together. There are haircuts to schedule, shoes and clothes that need purchased. With everything I cross of the list, school closure sneaks into my mind. I still don’t know if I made the right decision to send the kids back full time…

May is mental health awareness month, and I’m sharing my ongoing struggles with it.

I checked in with my Doctor last week. It was pretty much more of the same. I don’t feel good at all, and we are adjusting my medication again. It’s frustrating that this just keeps going, no matter what I try.

My Doctor said to try this for a few months, and then check in again to possibly switch to a different medication, if I don’t see any results.

I’m tired…

I’m just so very tired.