Jul 31

Ten Years

Agnes spotted a bake sale on our way to the grocery store. The bake sale was just a few blocks from our house. She wanted to stop right then, but I said we would swing back by the sale after we pick up the groceries. I kept my word and we drove back to the bake sale.

We browsed a bit, and Agnes wanted pretty much every treat that she found. We picked out a few goodies for her and her brothers too, and that’s when I heard a familiar voice.

A friend I hadn’t seen for the longest time ran up and gave me the biggest hug. She has an amazing job, and her kids are almost through high school. She saw Agnes and said, “that can’t be your little one…What has it been, ten years?”

We hugged once more, and she took a phone call. We paid for our treats and made our way to the car, but her words stuck with me. It had been ten years…

Ten years ago was when I started to get sick again…

Ten years ago I hadn’t been to the doctor about getting help for my condition. I kept on, didn’t sleep, and plowed through the migraines. I put on a brave face, and attempted a social life. I kept getting worse. I would get violently sick whenever I left the house to attend church, grocery shop, and MOPS meetings.

For two months I would wake up nightly with panic attacks in my sleep. At first I thought it was food poisoning, or a bad case of the stomach flu. Nobody else in the house got sick, and I kept getting worse.

I decided it was time to see the Doctor… I sobbed though that first appointment with the Nurse, who just happened to be a very good friend of mine. I remember her looking at the Doctor with tears in her eyes as she said “please help my friend.”

A few years passed and I stayed on my meds. I would have a checkup every now and then, refill this, answer that. Over those first five to seven years I had two different doctors. Two more people to tell my crap to, two more people to try and fix this wreck that is me.

I hadn’t had my meds adjusted in a long time, and I started to feel really bad again. This time I was experiencing new symptoms that I hadn’t in the past. I was concerned that I might need to be re-diagnosed. At this point I had been in a major depressive state with disassociation for a good eight months… I felt awful, and I scheduled an appointment before the start of Summer break.

The appointment went well, she adjusted my meds, and we talked a lot about my anxiety issues. I felt better after talking with her, and I even felt a bit more positive about Summer (Summer is when my depression peaks). I have a plan to check back with her in a few months if I’m doing well. Call immediately if I start feeling worse.

My last major depressive episode lasted eleven months…

I’ve only now had three weeks where I’ve almost felt normal.

Depression eats your time, and your mind can’t remember… It really has been ten years.

Jul 30

One More Month To Go

This Summer has been way too hot, and filled with overall grouchiness from everyone in the household. I’m tired, and in need of a bit of a break.

We have just about one more month left to the Summer, and so many things that need to get done… I really hope I can remember it all.

Jun 1

Hello June

June has finally arrived, and I’m happy to see the end of a very long month of May. We are well into Summer break, and the kids are bored. I’m just trying to keep up with all of the cooking and dish washing. It seems to be endless right now.

We finally have a bit of a break in the weather. The last three weeks have been filled with flooding, strong storms, and muddy mucky days. Our neck of the woods is finally drying out a bit, and the kids have been spending more time outdoors. We still need to get the pool set up, and I have a few more plants to get in the north garden.

I’m hoping that this month goes a bit better. May was unbelievably busy, and way too stressful.

May 19

So It Is Summer

The last day of school was on Thursday, and the week was an absolute blur. Every day there was something going on at the kid’s schools.

There was a last minute debate banquet that called for a bunch of cookies for the High School. Thade also had finals throughout the week. There was an awards day at Agnes’ school, and the entire third grade gave a recorder concert. Dylan had a pretty chill week. The Middle School had a dodgeball tournament on the last day of school, he said it was a blast.

I wanted to sneak in a little shopping, and maybe go out to lunch, but I ran out of time. Before you knew it, Thursday had arrived, and it was the last day. I took my kiddos, and a few of their friends to the movies on Thursday night. They were bouncing off the walls, so it was good to get them out of the house for a bit.

Agnes has caught another cold/flu bug… We were at the store on Saturday, she was looking for some Summer clothes, but by the time we were checking out, she wasn’t feeling too good. By the time we got home, she had a bad headache, and a fever. The fever went up as the night went on, but I finally got it back to reasonable before bedtime.

It has been a long week already. I’m trying to settle in to the new routine, and stay sane along the way. It is going to be a long Summer.

May 13

So I Went To The Doctor

May is mental health awareness month, and I’m sharing my ongoing struggles with it.

I checked in with my Doctor last week. It was pretty much more of the same. I don’t feel good at all, and we are adjusting my medication again. It’s frustrating that this just keeps going, no matter what I try.

My Doctor said to try this for a few months, and then check in again to possibly switch to a different medication, if I don’t see any results.

I’m tired…

I’m just so very tired.