Aug 24

My Kids Really Are Growing Up

Yesterday, I dropped off my oldest son at his first day of his very last year at middle school. I also dropped off my youngest son at his first day of his very last year at elementary school. Both of the kids told me bye, and were off to their day like it was just another day.

Agnes did well, until we arrived at the drive-way, then she didn’t want to leave me behind. Agnes’ school was completely packed, and there wasn’t enough time to park and walk in for the morning. I asked her if it was o.k. if she walked in all by herself this year. She was a little sad, but she said “I can do it”.

As I waved good-bye to her, and made my way through the traffic, I realized just how much my kiddos have grown. They have grown into amazing big kids, and I am very lucky to be their mom.

They all had a great first day at school, and all three of them were ready to go back first thing this morning. I have a feeling this is going to be a good school year.

Aug 23

First Day of School (finally)

  
Well we survived the summer, and today we welcomed the first day of school. We got up extra early, and we actually made it out of the door on time. 

This year I have an eighth grader, a fifth grader, and a second grader. All three kids are the oldest grades at their schools. 

The boys did pretty well this morning. Agnes was really upset at drop-off. She didn’t want to go. I hope that her day has gone well though. 

I’m proud of my kiddos. I have a feeling this is going to be a good year for all of them. 

Aug 17

Five Years And Counting: Part Four

family matters, losing Sam…

Two years ago.

I’m frustrated it is Summer, it is hot, and seasonal affective disorder has taken over. Exhaustive depression rules my days, and hyperactive anxiety fills my nights. I’m short tempered, and having to take my back-up rx specifically for anxiety. I feel like a failure…

I hate this part of my condition, I drive everyone away. I feel awful just being with myself, and I know my family didn’t ask for this. My kids didn’t hope for a mom that isn’t well, my husband didn’t ask for a manic-wife that can’t get it together. I can’t talk to anyone… I can’t go anywhere. I’m just stuck.

The agoraphobic part of this makes it a challenge to build connections, and trust. I truly feel uncomfortable with other people around, and new places are a nightmare to navigate. Everything seems to loud when I’m outdoors, voices are biting when I’m grocery shopping, or waiting for my kids to get out of school. I stand quiet, breathe, and count the minutes until I am out of the situation.

I’m trying to find someone to talk too. I’ve been lucky to have met friends online who have had the same struggles with mental illness as I have. Being able to talk through email, and messaging makes a big difference. The anxiety of being out in the world is removed, and I’m thankful for my friendships that have helped me through all of this.

I had recently came in contact with a cousin of mine… We hadn’t really been in touch since we were kids, but we were both facing the same struggles. In a way, I felt a little better hearing that it wasn’t just me, and here was more proof that it truly was genetics.

We messaged each other off and on for several  months. He would write when he was feeling particularly down, or mad about the past. I listened, and empathized. He moved, found a new job, made new friends, and seemed to be heading in the right direction. I still stayed the same,  same house, same town, same meds.

He went quiet… I was worried, and when I contacted him, he was feeling low, and nothing could be done to pull him back out. I asked him if he had considered going back on his medication, he said that wasn’t an option. He would be o.k., he would get over this bump.

It was July when I found out he took his own life…