I am sharing this because July is not an easy month for me… This is usually when my seasonal affective disorder peaks, and my depression starts acting horribly. It is too hot, it is too humid, the kids are bored, and I’ve lost motivation to work on the house. It really isn’t one of my favorite times of year.
This July my goal is to simply get through July…
I know it doesn’t sound like much of a goal, but I just have to get through it.
I tell myself this often when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the messes, and trapped in the house. When the hours blur into each other, and the days drag on. Dishes, laundry, repeat, dishes, laundry, and repeat.
There is even laundry in paradise…
We went on vacation once to an honest to goodness paradise, and I was surprised by all of the towels, A towel for this beach, a towel for this spot at the lazy river ride. And at the end of the day, giant bins of used towels, all needing washed for the next day.
I loved to people watch while we were there… There were meals that were untouched by grumpy international toddlers. There was a beautiful teenager kicking her brother, and getting caught, and scolded. There were dirty dishes left behind, and messes that needed attention.
In Summer I long for a day away, a week away, just a moment away from my daily housekeeping endless duties, two months to go. Another hundred degree day.
There is even laundry in paradise.
I get in trouble for this every Summer… but here is why I do it.
I let the kids sleep in. In fact, I let the kids sleep in right up to lunchtime. My husband grows cross with me, he says that I’m lazy for not waking them up, and that it is bad to let them sleep, but honestly when they are asleep it is the only time I have.
It is the only time the house is quiet. It is the only time I can clean up a mess, without it immediately being destroyed. It is the only time they aren’t bored, fighting, and eating everything in the kitchen. It is the only time that I can complete a task, or drink a cup of coffee, or complete a thought.
For three full months it is the only time that I have a moment to myself.
So I let them sleep.
As usual I am late posting, June has been going on for at least a week. The kids have been out of school for about three weeks now, and life is insanely busy, and tiring, and exhausting, and I can’t get away from the kitchen.
Every month this year I have been setting some goals for myself to accomplish. Last year was stressful and bizarre, I was hoping that a few small goals would help keep me on track. This months goals are simply to survive Summer, and work on the yard.
I have a new garden that we are still planting, and two big yard projects that need to be accomplished. Other than that, I am just in survival mode with the boredom, cooking, cleaning, and laundry, and kids home twenty-four hours a day, and eating everything in sight.
I’m tired….
May is Mental Health Awareness month, and yesterday I had a bad mental health day… I woke up dreading the morning, another day of simply existing to clean, cook, and repeat. I haven’t been sleeping again, and I haven’t been eating well either. I just take care of everyone and everything for eighteen hours a day, and I’m not doing well with any of it.
Days like this suck, and they are truly frustrating, but they do exist. I gave in to my bad day, and allowed myself to have it, but I didn’t feel bad for myself. Most days like this I grow angry with myself for not pulling it together, and I’m frustrated that I can’t fake it for twenty-four hours. Instead I miserably existed, and I woke up on Sunday.
I am sharing this because even if you are in treatment you are going to have those bad days. Hell, I’ve been seeking treatment for the last sixteen years, and I still have bad days. It is important to show up even on the bad ones, and get through it. Healing from multiple mental health diagnoses isn’t always pretty, but I keep pushing.