Five Years And Counting: Part Four

family matters, losing Sam…

Two years ago.

I’m frustrated it is Summer, it is hot, and seasonal affective disorder has taken over. Exhaustive depression rules my days, and hyperactive anxiety fills my nights. I’m short tempered, and having to take my back-up rx specifically for anxiety. I feel like a failure…

I hate this part of my condition, I drive everyone away. I feel awful just being with myself, and I know my family didn’t ask for this. My kids didn’t hope for a mom that isn’t well, my husband didn’t ask for a manic-wife that can’t get it together. I can’t talk to anyone… I can’t go anywhere. I’m just stuck.

The agoraphobic part of this makes it a challenge to build connections, and trust. I truly feel uncomfortable with other people around, and new places are a nightmare to navigate. Everything seems to loud when I’m outdoors, voices are biting when I’m grocery shopping, or waiting for my kids to get out of school. I stand quiet, breathe, and count the minutes until I am out of the situation.

I’m trying to find someone to talk too. I’ve been lucky to have met friends online who have had the same struggles with mental illness as I have. Being able to talk through email, and messaging makes a big difference. The anxiety of being out in the world is removed, and I’m thankful for my friendships that have helped me through all of this.

I had recently came in contact with a cousin of mine… We hadn’t really been in touch since we were kids, but we were both facing the same struggles. In a way, I felt a little better hearing that it wasn’t just me, and here was more proof that it truly was genetics.

We messaged each other off and on for several  months. He would write when he was feeling particularly down, or mad about the past. I listened, and empathized. He moved, found a new job, made new friends, and seemed to be heading in the right direction. I still stayed the same,  same house, same town, same meds.

He went quiet… I was worried, and when I contacted him, he was feeling low, and nothing could be done to pull him back out. I asked him if he had considered going back on his medication, he said that wasn’t an option. He would be o.k., he would get over this bump.

It was July when I found out he took his own life…